Hit
for Six!
I feel like I have been mentally assaulted
on every level… I can feel the archaic neurons coughing and spluttering as they
are being reignited into life, refusing to go green and signal the “ok… we can
feel comfortable learning again…”
I feel exhausted, every day I feel like I
have been working throughout the night and I have hit that proverbial wall. All
of my former colleagues will know what I am talking about… Working night duty
and when the big hand hits 5, you feel absolutely shattered… Well… This is how
I have been feeling every day, and I have been reliably informed that this is
how it will continue…
It has been an intense first week. I am so far from my comfort zone… My comfort
zone is a “dot” from where I am.
The
Course
Last week we created a program to mimic
Boris Bikes and their interaction with the docking station, van and
garage. Through this exercise we were
introduced to classes, modules, inheritance, composition, class responsibility
cards, using doubles, testing our program as we write our programs (RSPEC &
Test Driven Development) and most importantly Pair Programming.
I feel like I am the dumbest person in the
room. I hear everyone talking about their code and they all seem to know what
it is they are coding. I feel so worried that I am not learning anything, and I
tell the coaches about my concerns during our code reviews (We have code
reviews every Monday and Friday). The reviews last approx. 45mins during which
the coaches will look at your code, and ask you questions to see if you
understand the higher processes of the code. I appear to be answering the
questions so there are no immediate concerns for the coaches.
My problem is my ego. I have never felt
like I have been in the bottom half of a class, I have always picked up
concepts quickly and I have always been comfortable with the exercises. This is
completely alien to me… The whole course.
And this is what I have to repeat to
myself. This is completely new territory. Would I expect to speak a new
language within 1 week of starting to learn the language? Why have I heaped all
this pressure on myself expecting that I will be writing code like it was my
first language?
Why
is it a “negative” to be out of my comfort zone?
I am being taken to the furthest corners of
my limit, full 360°, I am being challenged on every level, emotional, intellectual,
physical, meta-physical… I have dreamt about code and computers… Blue flashing
lights… That may be the previous job… I do think about my former employer,
about the great times working with my mates and doing some incredible things.
Then reality sets in and I awake to this world of coding and uncertainty.
It is so hard to be in this position, not
sure whether I have chosen the right path whether coding is for me, whether I
am intelligent enough for coding. I have had major confidence fails and moments
of panic.
I have to consciously tell myself to accept
the uncertainty… No… I won’t just accept it…
Embrace
Uncertainty
I will welcome it… I will accept my fate to
be in this constant state of uncertainty. I crave knowledge and the desire to
write fluent code effortlessly to create programs that will make a positive
impact.
I am learning a new language. Something
that I have not done since I was 11 years old when I started to learn French,
German and Latin at school.
I must allow it time to permeate, allowing
the knowledge time to settle, creating those new connections between the
neurons.
I must remember to breathe. I must remember
to keep my body healthy. I must remember to not lose sight of relationships.
I must remember to breathe…
My next blog will be about the project last weekend, The Airport Challenge, which we started working on last Friday, the
same day as the “glitch” that led to disruption across all UK airports... Coincidence?
I wanted to write about Pair Programming and my experiences thus far in this blog, but it is time to power down and recharge for tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment