Hit for Six!
I feel like I have been mentally assaulted on every level… I can feel the archaic neurons coughing and spluttering as they are being reignited into life, refusing to go green and signal the “ok… we can feel comfortable learning again…”
I feel exhausted, every day I feel like I have been working throughout the night and I have hit that proverbial wall. All of my former colleagues will know what I am talking about… Working night duty and when the big hand hits 5, you feel absolutely shattered… Well… This is how I have been feeling every day, and I have been reliably informed that this is how it will continue…
It has been an intense first week. I am so far from my comfort zone… My comfort zone is a “dot” from where I am.
Last week we created a program to mimic Boris Bikes and their interaction with the docking station, van and garage. Through this exercise we were introduced to classes, modules, inheritance, composition, class responsibility cards, using doubles, testing our program as we write our programs (RSPEC & Test Driven Development) and most importantly Pair Programming.
I feel like I am the dumbest person in the room. I hear everyone talking about their code and they all seem to know what it is they are coding. I feel so worried that I am not learning anything, and I tell the coaches about my concerns during our code reviews (We have code reviews every Monday and Friday). The reviews last approx. 45mins during which the coaches will look at your code, and ask you questions to see if you understand the higher processes of the code. I appear to be answering the questions so there are no immediate concerns for the coaches.
My problem is my ego. I have never felt like I have been in the bottom half of a class, I have always picked up concepts quickly and I have always been comfortable with the exercises. This is completely alien to me… The whole course.
And this is what I have to repeat to myself. This is completely new territory. Would I expect to speak a new language within 1 week of starting to learn the language? Why have I heaped all this pressure on myself expecting that I will be writing code like it was my first language?
Why is it a “negative” to be out of my comfort zone?
I am being taken to the furthest corners of my limit, full 360°, I am being challenged on every level, emotional, intellectual, physical, meta-physical… I have dreamt about code and computers… Blue flashing lights… That may be the previous job… I do think about my former employer, about the great times working with my mates and doing some incredible things. Then reality sets in and I awake to this world of coding and uncertainty.
It is so hard to be in this position, not sure whether I have chosen the right path whether coding is for me, whether I am intelligent enough for coding. I have had major confidence fails and moments of panic.
I have to consciously tell myself to accept the uncertainty… No… I won’t just accept it…
I will welcome it… I will accept my fate to be in this constant state of uncertainty. I crave knowledge and the desire to write fluent code effortlessly to create programs that will make a positive impact.
I am learning a new language. Something that I have not done since I was 11 years old when I started to learn French, German and Latin at school.
I must allow it time to permeate, allowing the knowledge time to settle, creating those new connections between the neurons.
I must remember to breathe. I must remember to keep my body healthy. I must remember to not lose sight of relationships.
I must remember to breathe…
My next blog will be about the project last weekend, The Airport Challenge, which we started working on last Friday, the same day as the “glitch” that led to disruption across all UK airports... Coincidence?
I wanted to write about Pair Programming and my experiences thus far in this blog, but it is time to power down and recharge for tomorrow.